Something

There are two sides to each of our lives, one that doesn’t matter, and one we barely ever notice, it’s like the fight between darkness and light, never ending, never surrendering, you can’t see it but you can feel it, and maybe you can even taste it, but if you look deep enough into your heart maybe you’ll know it, a cracked mirror and in it your shattered reflection, do you see it? More importantly; do you understand? Cause I don’t care.

Important moments in the stream of our breaths governed by fast pace and neglect, the parents to our confusion, and what do they say? “Ignorance is bliss” maybe so… but who knows what ignorance is? I mean how much knowledge does a human need to actually reach a point in his life to be able to call himself ignorant, bfft, I’ll try to abandon my metaphors for a few seconds, nothing about rats in a maze or tiny speckles of dust carried away by a bitchy wind suffering a hangover, no we’re humans, or so we dare call ourselves, and yet we rarely attempt to see that, to understand that, we selfishly give away our sense of morality just bit by bit, day by day we accept more mistakes as validated reality, registering more and more nightmares as facts of life, giving no chance to others but to fall just a little bit deeper into who they think they are, but the truth is; we never were given a fair choice, I mean where’s the alternative here, blindly following in the footsteps of those that ruled us when we weren’t around? Or completely rebelling against everything about that to the point that we don’t even know what we’re rejecting anymore, when do we stop for a second and evaluate what is wrong and what is right, at least then if you make a mistake you’ve had the decency of trying to make something out of all this mess, instead what do we do? We surrender away the keys to our emotions in the hands other means, society’s beliefs, lyrics and music, people, and what we have to live with every day, it takes time but eventually it’s like we can’t function correctly without them anymore, something’d be missing, and you know then that you’ve lost something, I’m no better than anyone, I’m sitting here preaching searching for something I already found a long time ago listening to music and trying to make myself feel at home, if I plugged that music out of my head what would happen I honestly wonder, is it an industry that simply depends on me to survive and feed our unsavory need for entertainment, or have I come to undoubtedly depend on it for a quick fix, an emotional high state I’m losing the ability to get to on my own, a good song that reminds me of a nice memory making me feel happy even though five minutes ago when I remembered that very moment I felt nothing, and then another that makes me angry, funny how music would drive you angry more than news these days, but maybe that’s just me, yeah it probably is just me… isn’t it?!

To be continued…

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The Best yet Saddest thing about our world, is that everything eventually makes sense, there's a logical causality to all that is good and bad in what we experience.

Puppets

            The world is a big puppet with a string held in each person’s hands, and so the image makes us think we’re in control, but the puppet is like a balloon dancing in the wind, slapped around by inevitable change and like little pieces of a puzzle we collide like idiots hanging to their lives feeling sorry for ourselves being bullied by a freaking wooden balloon, that’s not sad, sure is ironic having a puppet pulling the strings, but it’s a step closer to actually have the humility to see such picture and even slightly believe it, this is how you change the world, on your own if you pull back hard enough in the right direction at least you won’t squish over others, give them room to breathe and remember they were once humans too, and in time they might start pulling back with you, reshaping the world, then one day they will see the change and see the strength in being able to change the world, so in turn they will want to shape it again and again forcing it to be what they want more than what it should be, you see… the puppet corrupts, and some other poor fools somewhere else are being hung by the unfair change, the imbalance that followed the brief balance, one of them will show them how to pull back, just to fix the world, nothing more nothing less, they do, they like it, and the puppet corrupts, and so back and forth the world goes like a rusty pendulum forced to follow the leadership of fools, oh and how wonderful it is to be a fool, it’s not an insult it’s a decree, you have to be one or amongst ones to learn something or another, and it’s harder being the good guy in times of peace and victory, cause if you’re smart enough you can see the corruption creeping its way but it’s hard to do anything about it, what are you going to do anyway, be the bad guy?!!!

Bla Bla Bla

       It sure is a fact; my mind works in twisted ways, the things I want, the things I desire, the things I imagine, maybe I’m less of a freak than I sell myself out to be, still, it’s beside the point, I don’t really want to write a single word, I just want to let it out of me, I’ve been trapped for years, a reality not a metaphor this one, and it feels like in a cartoon-ish way life is kinda holding a grudge against me, and I have to resign to resenting my own conscience for life’s deeds of vengeance, blaming myself for every taste I’ve missed, money, power, women, bla bla bla… what am I doing to myself, where is this heading, is this even the right way, starving myself to everything I’m good at, no, great at, is punishment, protection, or fear, doesn’t make sense, eh maybe punishment but the other two words don’t even match well with my name, I know the answer but it sucks more than confusion, it’s all just analytical, is it fair that one man’s whole life to be treated that mathematically, I’m not a robot but I keep forcing a third view of myself as one, I hate that I’m right though, I just can’t let myself go, I’m not a balanced person, I never was, I’m more of an extreme case scenario, and part of me wants nothing but to flip that switch, this isn’t getting me anywhere, I’m no saint, somehow I still manage to jam my fair share of mistakes down the narrow end of my conscience, life is pathetic, I’m only an occasional judge, but I’m forced in these moments to see my reflection on a cracked surface… HAH I’m sorry for the interruption I just had an idea, it’s only fair to hate the warden, hell maybe even more than the judge, all he does is his best to never ever let you out, or you’ll start hurting people, unfortunately in this case it feels more like an ostrich’s wisdom than a warden, If you keep buried deep inside for long enough no one needs to get hurt, this hostage situation can never end peacefully off course, I once thought differently, thought love was just around the corner, a naive concept I only still share because I’m too unbelievably stubborn to give up, and that’s exactly how it’s starting to feel, like I’m just sharing a concept with someone, agreeing simply because I have no grounds to prove him otherwise, or cause his argument simply seems too strong to disapprove, you see; evolution has a whole different meaning and set of rules when it comes past my little corner of the universe, I always reserve the luxury to split up and search the place, or at least that’s one lame way of putting it, in other words; if needed I can always both agree and disagree at the same… when I was younger I realized I can’t help but calculate everything that’s coming my way, not even to prepare myself for it, who am I kidding I never was the man with the plan, but it simply became a force of habit, like free extra brain space wasted on worthless human life rather than a headache, that stupid habit taught me something very valuable, you CAN’T calculate everything, you can’t see everything coming, as a matter of fact it’s quite the other way around, more often than not; it’s what you don’t anticipate that hits you in the face, and I found that the best way to anticipate the unexpected is to anticipate it as it is; an unknown, and the more known ground you can cover the less there is for the unknown, this is more of a state of mind than a practical application, I learned this in a much simpler form without even realizing it, I had to wait to grow up so I can decipher my process and add all the complex little terms that I love so much, the trick is to calculate every outcome but not let yourself be fooled by such a lie, and remain focused for the truth.

       That’s what makes life what it is, a lowly scumbag always with a filthy trick up its sleeve, showing you the reflection of how pathetic you and everyone around you can be, which is good, you simply need to survive that when it happens and move on.

       Easier said than done… in the world of humans survival ain’t just for the fittest, somehow that makes it harder, survival is a fair game, ironically the only fair something in life, your patience, your morals, your ideals, your innocence, your silliness, your instincts… they all need to survive with you, or it isn’t even you coming out of the mirror, and I refuse to be bits and pieces, the good and the bad, all makes one image, sure a twisted stubborn arrogant image but it remains me, and I can handle it, and that means something to me, not much but it adds up, a lowly scumbag out there and a stubborn arrogant somewhere in here, dumb and dumber right…

Cigarette

        Life is like a cigarette, a pack of smokes in the pocket of a fool, a stream of poisons clouding up our thoughts, closing down the curtains between us and the ones that really matter, between our hearts and their dreams, we live our lives in the bathroom holding it to our lips thinking we are the ones who are burning it, while it sets our souls on fire turning us into ashes, keep sucking on it while it sucks our thoughts away.
Life is like a cigarette in the hands of a kid, thinking he became the man of the matter holding it up proudly, but when faced by reality he can't run for a few meters. Days are just like nicotine entering our hearts taking our future from under our feet.

        Life is something and out, and at the end of the day all you feel is that itch in your chest, the need to spit over the shaking ground, have a drink and go straight to sleep, coughing your troubles away, staying out of the faces of the people you love not to let them near your stinking breaths, more and more you keep slipping out of the back of the theater, leaving your role for others and others to play, telling yourself that you can do it no more, All alone, by every step of giving up you take, you lie to yourself saying "what can I do", deceiving yourself telling it you ain't running away, you're just being smart, well you're not, for in the end you find yourself locked away from all that is good and bad, trapped inside the walls you built around you, only now can you see the truth of what you lost and what you never gained, only now you see that you got no more cigarettes left, life is over and you're all alone, alive and safe within your fort, but are you safe from the solitude within yourself, you stand and look but you can't see beyond your own skin, your eyes itches from the smoke around you, Life is like a cigarette when you forget yourself in it you forget everything else, when you can't risk losing it you risk losing everyone else, and when you keep holding onto it you end up filling the air around you with clouds of uncertainty keeping you away from those who care for you, but you can't see them you can't judge.

        I never smoked before but people have been smoking all around me, afraid of losing their lives, the lives they never had, I close my eyes and hold my breath, get there inside looking for you, but I can't do it on my own, I can't see, my mind is numb, the smoke is too high, if only you'd reach your hands, if only you'd call on my name, I will hear you, I will never leave you here alone, I won't get out without you by my side, I'll get you out of there, or I'll die here shocking in the dark, smiling at my tears.

        I close my eyes, let the sound of my voice shuffle the thoughts in the back of mind, get lost between me and myself, I open my eyes and look at the view, for a second I wait, I wait for this is how it always begins, I open my eyes again, again I'm free, I hear nothing but my soul, see nothing but my early dreams, why do I so hunger to be hollow, why do I bare this thirst for a freedom no human ever had for more than an instant, may be a full moment is more than what a human can bare, I'm stuck between my thoughts and my beliefs, between my hopes and my deceits, me and myself, I know both sides, but what I'm not aware of is which side am I, the mad love filling me towards the very existence of the universe, or the potential rage filling me towards every thought of destruction, how could I be both worlds, what chain could possibly ever link us together, the manifestation of its core, and why do I keep focusing on that chain more than the solution I can't find for a crisis I can't realize, maybe she is that chain, that light, the bridge crossing me to myself, once again I find myself surrounded by my memories, killed by my own obsession, but how could passion have this ultimate power over me, how could love be my only salvation while at the same time my only fear, how could it be the only string keeping me from collapsing to abyss, and yet be the instrument of my destruction, but it's all been a shaded error of a mistake, for I never fought for her, never slapped my heart of this dream so to grab a reality.

        I try to make it through the maze that my mind drew for my soul to linger through, losing traces of my former self, slowly I become nothing but a broken shallow of a man, find myself looking at nothing but my footsteps, listening to nothing but my destructive thoughts, smelling the bitterness of the evil inside of me, trying desperately to let itself out, I found myself standing on a crossroads, on the verge of facing myself for the first time, I close my eyes, let the sound of nature shuffle the thoughts in the back of mind, get lost between me and myself, finding the common ground, but there were none, there is no limit, only when I think of her that I become one, but she's not here to save me from my conflict, or is she, once again the memory of her innocent eyes saves me from my lurking shadows, keep me away from a grave so deep that I can't see the end of it, all I ever needed was her soul, a pure miracle from a distant star, a truce between the universe and my heart, a dance between the air and my blood.

Over

         Some days go slow, some days go the other way around, tempo of life, we live but we dont know, we know but we're not alive, a childish idea, a bubble popping but like all great things forgotten in due time, all this is of no meaning, all this to tell you I missed you, but you're not here, and I'm not looking, I won't, happiness is a human flaw, sought only by the sane of us, by them, by you, I walk away, wounds have healed, wounds have grown, but unlike what kid me thought; they don't last, they only haunt you after they die and wither away, haunted, hunted, but you can only know what you see with your heart, but you had to look long enough to see beyond your premonitions, I keep walking bare foot on a grass of molten thorns, walking towards my own closure, destination isn't worth it, and neither is the journey, and when grass turns to sand hope turns to Ashe, I shall breath again, story of my life, never read it before, I just keep on writing, a million miles march, I wish I had a chance to forgive you, it would mean I held something inside, something to forgive, before letting go.

King

          “I am the king of all kings.” I heard the man say, ignorance is bliss; I told myself, “King… King of all kings.” He was shouting at himself, the man in the street, I was just walking in the neighborhood mentally drunk and sunk into my own thoughts trying to leave myself behind and runaway, hoping it would never last, hoping that being me would never last, but it wasn’t about me that day, I saw this man, less than a beggar, staring into nothingness, in other words of others “just somebody who’s not worth it.” Somebody I told myself, he’s still somebody, my eyes traveled to his direction for a moment and one more, all I could think about was that I’m not him, and there’s a difference between being him and being in his shoes, so much of a difference, destiny in its vast wisdom, written by the hands of God, gave me who I am, and gave him who he is, so at the end of the day, part from what we have, I’m always me, and he’s always him, it’s more complicated than it sounds, at least to me it is, when I was kid, sitting in the back seat of my father’s car, I used to look outside the widow, look at all those people out there, so many of them, yet none of them is me, and I’m not any of them, similarities making uniqueness at the same time, and when I see a man turning his car around, taking a different direction, I say to myself here’s a man I would never see again, even though I never knew him and never will, for that particular moment he was part of my life, just like everybody else, a human’s effect on a background of every moment of mine, ‘I’m not him’ it kept nagging on me, so much in such a standard fact, even though I see him now I can’t see his life, can’t remember or wait, and when I sleep at night he won’t be there anymore, I won’t still care, I won’t remember, when I was young I taught myself to care, because even though I’m always me and not anyone else it doesn’t mean they don’t exist, people are more than just shadows walking around, so I looked at the man, trying not to judge by his repulsive appearance, life have had its toll on him one time too many, I could see his lips moving as he talked to himself, a man who had lost his mind I realized, then it struck me, the words he said could never leave my mind, “I’m the king of all kings…” first thing I thought was to laugh, this man has obviously lost his mind to a point of no return, but the more I looked at him I could see he wasn’t even there, he wasn’t walking in the same street as I was, not even the same world, so distant, so true, reality is such a lie, we believe what we wish to believe and throw away the rest, this man is not the king of all kings I know, but in his own world he was a king, and what difference does that make now, each one of us is living in his own world, I’m not him and he is not me, and for a moment logic failed to apply, I was lost between reality and what it represents, and all I could think off, I just passed by a king in the street, a crazy man with no apparent life or purpose, but in some reality he was king, it’s more like a video game, for a couple of hours you play and become someone else, a prince, a thief, a hero, a serial killer or even a cook, wasn’t that reality, you can’t say it wasn’t, you just can’t say it was either, we only see what our eyes wants us to see, our minds comply and tells us it’s real as we follow in awe, oblivious to what is and what is not… too late now for us to see, cause there’s nothing to see, all went through my head within a moment and another, as the man passed me by, I kept going on carrying my dinner in a plastic bag smiling at myself thinking “Hell I don’t care about reality… I just hope this food remains real long enough for me eat it.” I looked right back at the man one last time, he never said it again but I could never forget it, his voice so loud, face so true, and hands waving… “I’m the king of all kings.”