Bla Bla Bla

       It sure is a fact; my mind works in twisted ways, the things I want, the things I desire, the things I imagine, maybe I’m less of a freak than I sell myself out to be, still, it’s beside the point, I don’t really want to write a single word, I just want to let it out of me, I’ve been trapped for years, a reality not a metaphor this one, and it feels like in a cartoon-ish way life is kinda holding a grudge against me, and I have to resign to resenting my own conscience for life’s deeds of vengeance, blaming myself for every taste I’ve missed, money, power, women, bla bla bla… what am I doing to myself, where is this heading, is this even the right way, starving myself to everything I’m good at, no, great at, is punishment, protection, or fear, doesn’t make sense, eh maybe punishment but the other two words don’t even match well with my name, I know the answer but it sucks more than confusion, it’s all just analytical, is it fair that one man’s whole life to be treated that mathematically, I’m not a robot but I keep forcing a third view of myself as one, I hate that I’m right though, I just can’t let myself go, I’m not a balanced person, I never was, I’m more of an extreme case scenario, and part of me wants nothing but to flip that switch, this isn’t getting me anywhere, I’m no saint, somehow I still manage to jam my fair share of mistakes down the narrow end of my conscience, life is pathetic, I’m only an occasional judge, but I’m forced in these moments to see my reflection on a cracked surface… HAH I’m sorry for the interruption I just had an idea, it’s only fair to hate the warden, hell maybe even more than the judge, all he does is his best to never ever let you out, or you’ll start hurting people, unfortunately in this case it feels more like an ostrich’s wisdom than a warden, If you keep buried deep inside for long enough no one needs to get hurt, this hostage situation can never end peacefully off course, I once thought differently, thought love was just around the corner, a naive concept I only still share because I’m too unbelievably stubborn to give up, and that’s exactly how it’s starting to feel, like I’m just sharing a concept with someone, agreeing simply because I have no grounds to prove him otherwise, or cause his argument simply seems too strong to disapprove, you see; evolution has a whole different meaning and set of rules when it comes past my little corner of the universe, I always reserve the luxury to split up and search the place, or at least that’s one lame way of putting it, in other words; if needed I can always both agree and disagree at the same… when I was younger I realized I can’t help but calculate everything that’s coming my way, not even to prepare myself for it, who am I kidding I never was the man with the plan, but it simply became a force of habit, like free extra brain space wasted on worthless human life rather than a headache, that stupid habit taught me something very valuable, you CAN’T calculate everything, you can’t see everything coming, as a matter of fact it’s quite the other way around, more often than not; it’s what you don’t anticipate that hits you in the face, and I found that the best way to anticipate the unexpected is to anticipate it as it is; an unknown, and the more known ground you can cover the less there is for the unknown, this is more of a state of mind than a practical application, I learned this in a much simpler form without even realizing it, I had to wait to grow up so I can decipher my process and add all the complex little terms that I love so much, the trick is to calculate every outcome but not let yourself be fooled by such a lie, and remain focused for the truth.

       That’s what makes life what it is, a lowly scumbag always with a filthy trick up its sleeve, showing you the reflection of how pathetic you and everyone around you can be, which is good, you simply need to survive that when it happens and move on.

       Easier said than done… in the world of humans survival ain’t just for the fittest, somehow that makes it harder, survival is a fair game, ironically the only fair something in life, your patience, your morals, your ideals, your innocence, your silliness, your instincts… they all need to survive with you, or it isn’t even you coming out of the mirror, and I refuse to be bits and pieces, the good and the bad, all makes one image, sure a twisted stubborn arrogant image but it remains me, and I can handle it, and that means something to me, not much but it adds up, a lowly scumbag out there and a stubborn arrogant somewhere in here, dumb and dumber right…