Puppets

            The world is a big puppet with a string held in each person’s hands, and so the image makes us think we’re in control, but the puppet is like a balloon dancing in the wind, slapped around by inevitable change and like little pieces of a puzzle we collide like idiots hanging to their lives feeling sorry for ourselves being bullied by a freaking wooden balloon, that’s not sad, sure is ironic having a puppet pulling the strings, but it’s a step closer to actually have the humility to see such picture and even slightly believe it, this is how you change the world, on your own if you pull back hard enough in the right direction at least you won’t squish over others, give them room to breathe and remember they were once humans too, and in time they might start pulling back with you, reshaping the world, then one day they will see the change and see the strength in being able to change the world, so in turn they will want to shape it again and again forcing it to be what they want more than what it should be, you see… the puppet corrupts, and some other poor fools somewhere else are being hung by the unfair change, the imbalance that followed the brief balance, one of them will show them how to pull back, just to fix the world, nothing more nothing less, they do, they like it, and the puppet corrupts, and so back and forth the world goes like a rusty pendulum forced to follow the leadership of fools, oh and how wonderful it is to be a fool, it’s not an insult it’s a decree, you have to be one or amongst ones to learn something or another, and it’s harder being the good guy in times of peace and victory, cause if you’re smart enough you can see the corruption creeping its way but it’s hard to do anything about it, what are you going to do anyway, be the bad guy?!!!

Bla Bla Bla

       It sure is a fact; my mind works in twisted ways, the things I want, the things I desire, the things I imagine, maybe I’m less of a freak than I sell myself out to be, still, it’s beside the point, I don’t really want to write a single word, I just want to let it out of me, I’ve been trapped for years, a reality not a metaphor this one, and it feels like in a cartoon-ish way life is kinda holding a grudge against me, and I have to resign to resenting my own conscience for life’s deeds of vengeance, blaming myself for every taste I’ve missed, money, power, women, bla bla bla… what am I doing to myself, where is this heading, is this even the right way, starving myself to everything I’m good at, no, great at, is punishment, protection, or fear, doesn’t make sense, eh maybe punishment but the other two words don’t even match well with my name, I know the answer but it sucks more than confusion, it’s all just analytical, is it fair that one man’s whole life to be treated that mathematically, I’m not a robot but I keep forcing a third view of myself as one, I hate that I’m right though, I just can’t let myself go, I’m not a balanced person, I never was, I’m more of an extreme case scenario, and part of me wants nothing but to flip that switch, this isn’t getting me anywhere, I’m no saint, somehow I still manage to jam my fair share of mistakes down the narrow end of my conscience, life is pathetic, I’m only an occasional judge, but I’m forced in these moments to see my reflection on a cracked surface… HAH I’m sorry for the interruption I just had an idea, it’s only fair to hate the warden, hell maybe even more than the judge, all he does is his best to never ever let you out, or you’ll start hurting people, unfortunately in this case it feels more like an ostrich’s wisdom than a warden, If you keep buried deep inside for long enough no one needs to get hurt, this hostage situation can never end peacefully off course, I once thought differently, thought love was just around the corner, a naive concept I only still share because I’m too unbelievably stubborn to give up, and that’s exactly how it’s starting to feel, like I’m just sharing a concept with someone, agreeing simply because I have no grounds to prove him otherwise, or cause his argument simply seems too strong to disapprove, you see; evolution has a whole different meaning and set of rules when it comes past my little corner of the universe, I always reserve the luxury to split up and search the place, or at least that’s one lame way of putting it, in other words; if needed I can always both agree and disagree at the same… when I was younger I realized I can’t help but calculate everything that’s coming my way, not even to prepare myself for it, who am I kidding I never was the man with the plan, but it simply became a force of habit, like free extra brain space wasted on worthless human life rather than a headache, that stupid habit taught me something very valuable, you CAN’T calculate everything, you can’t see everything coming, as a matter of fact it’s quite the other way around, more often than not; it’s what you don’t anticipate that hits you in the face, and I found that the best way to anticipate the unexpected is to anticipate it as it is; an unknown, and the more known ground you can cover the less there is for the unknown, this is more of a state of mind than a practical application, I learned this in a much simpler form without even realizing it, I had to wait to grow up so I can decipher my process and add all the complex little terms that I love so much, the trick is to calculate every outcome but not let yourself be fooled by such a lie, and remain focused for the truth.

       That’s what makes life what it is, a lowly scumbag always with a filthy trick up its sleeve, showing you the reflection of how pathetic you and everyone around you can be, which is good, you simply need to survive that when it happens and move on.

       Easier said than done… in the world of humans survival ain’t just for the fittest, somehow that makes it harder, survival is a fair game, ironically the only fair something in life, your patience, your morals, your ideals, your innocence, your silliness, your instincts… they all need to survive with you, or it isn’t even you coming out of the mirror, and I refuse to be bits and pieces, the good and the bad, all makes one image, sure a twisted stubborn arrogant image but it remains me, and I can handle it, and that means something to me, not much but it adds up, a lowly scumbag out there and a stubborn arrogant somewhere in here, dumb and dumber right…

Cigarette

        Life is like a cigarette, a pack of smokes in the pocket of a fool, a stream of poisons clouding up our thoughts, closing down the curtains between us and the ones that really matter, between our hearts and their dreams, we live our lives in the bathroom holding it to our lips thinking we are the ones who are burning it, while it sets our souls on fire turning us into ashes, keep sucking on it while it sucks our thoughts away.
Life is like a cigarette in the hands of a kid, thinking he became the man of the matter holding it up proudly, but when faced by reality he can't run for a few meters. Days are just like nicotine entering our hearts taking our future from under our feet.

        Life is something and out, and at the end of the day all you feel is that itch in your chest, the need to spit over the shaking ground, have a drink and go straight to sleep, coughing your troubles away, staying out of the faces of the people you love not to let them near your stinking breaths, more and more you keep slipping out of the back of the theater, leaving your role for others and others to play, telling yourself that you can do it no more, All alone, by every step of giving up you take, you lie to yourself saying "what can I do", deceiving yourself telling it you ain't running away, you're just being smart, well you're not, for in the end you find yourself locked away from all that is good and bad, trapped inside the walls you built around you, only now can you see the truth of what you lost and what you never gained, only now you see that you got no more cigarettes left, life is over and you're all alone, alive and safe within your fort, but are you safe from the solitude within yourself, you stand and look but you can't see beyond your own skin, your eyes itches from the smoke around you, Life is like a cigarette when you forget yourself in it you forget everything else, when you can't risk losing it you risk losing everyone else, and when you keep holding onto it you end up filling the air around you with clouds of uncertainty keeping you away from those who care for you, but you can't see them you can't judge.

        I never smoked before but people have been smoking all around me, afraid of losing their lives, the lives they never had, I close my eyes and hold my breath, get there inside looking for you, but I can't do it on my own, I can't see, my mind is numb, the smoke is too high, if only you'd reach your hands, if only you'd call on my name, I will hear you, I will never leave you here alone, I won't get out without you by my side, I'll get you out of there, or I'll die here shocking in the dark, smiling at my tears.

        I close my eyes, let the sound of my voice shuffle the thoughts in the back of mind, get lost between me and myself, I open my eyes and look at the view, for a second I wait, I wait for this is how it always begins, I open my eyes again, again I'm free, I hear nothing but my soul, see nothing but my early dreams, why do I so hunger to be hollow, why do I bare this thirst for a freedom no human ever had for more than an instant, may be a full moment is more than what a human can bare, I'm stuck between my thoughts and my beliefs, between my hopes and my deceits, me and myself, I know both sides, but what I'm not aware of is which side am I, the mad love filling me towards the very existence of the universe, or the potential rage filling me towards every thought of destruction, how could I be both worlds, what chain could possibly ever link us together, the manifestation of its core, and why do I keep focusing on that chain more than the solution I can't find for a crisis I can't realize, maybe she is that chain, that light, the bridge crossing me to myself, once again I find myself surrounded by my memories, killed by my own obsession, but how could passion have this ultimate power over me, how could love be my only salvation while at the same time my only fear, how could it be the only string keeping me from collapsing to abyss, and yet be the instrument of my destruction, but it's all been a shaded error of a mistake, for I never fought for her, never slapped my heart of this dream so to grab a reality.

        I try to make it through the maze that my mind drew for my soul to linger through, losing traces of my former self, slowly I become nothing but a broken shallow of a man, find myself looking at nothing but my footsteps, listening to nothing but my destructive thoughts, smelling the bitterness of the evil inside of me, trying desperately to let itself out, I found myself standing on a crossroads, on the verge of facing myself for the first time, I close my eyes, let the sound of nature shuffle the thoughts in the back of mind, get lost between me and myself, finding the common ground, but there were none, there is no limit, only when I think of her that I become one, but she's not here to save me from my conflict, or is she, once again the memory of her innocent eyes saves me from my lurking shadows, keep me away from a grave so deep that I can't see the end of it, all I ever needed was her soul, a pure miracle from a distant star, a truce between the universe and my heart, a dance between the air and my blood.

Over

         Some days go slow, some days go the other way around, tempo of life, we live but we dont know, we know but we're not alive, a childish idea, a bubble popping but like all great things forgotten in due time, all this is of no meaning, all this to tell you I missed you, but you're not here, and I'm not looking, I won't, happiness is a human flaw, sought only by the sane of us, by them, by you, I walk away, wounds have healed, wounds have grown, but unlike what kid me thought; they don't last, they only haunt you after they die and wither away, haunted, hunted, but you can only know what you see with your heart, but you had to look long enough to see beyond your premonitions, I keep walking bare foot on a grass of molten thorns, walking towards my own closure, destination isn't worth it, and neither is the journey, and when grass turns to sand hope turns to Ashe, I shall breath again, story of my life, never read it before, I just keep on writing, a million miles march, I wish I had a chance to forgive you, it would mean I held something inside, something to forgive, before letting go.

King

          “I am the king of all kings.” I heard the man say, ignorance is bliss; I told myself, “King… King of all kings.” He was shouting at himself, the man in the street, I was just walking in the neighborhood mentally drunk and sunk into my own thoughts trying to leave myself behind and runaway, hoping it would never last, hoping that being me would never last, but it wasn’t about me that day, I saw this man, less than a beggar, staring into nothingness, in other words of others “just somebody who’s not worth it.” Somebody I told myself, he’s still somebody, my eyes traveled to his direction for a moment and one more, all I could think about was that I’m not him, and there’s a difference between being him and being in his shoes, so much of a difference, destiny in its vast wisdom, written by the hands of God, gave me who I am, and gave him who he is, so at the end of the day, part from what we have, I’m always me, and he’s always him, it’s more complicated than it sounds, at least to me it is, when I was kid, sitting in the back seat of my father’s car, I used to look outside the widow, look at all those people out there, so many of them, yet none of them is me, and I’m not any of them, similarities making uniqueness at the same time, and when I see a man turning his car around, taking a different direction, I say to myself here’s a man I would never see again, even though I never knew him and never will, for that particular moment he was part of my life, just like everybody else, a human’s effect on a background of every moment of mine, ‘I’m not him’ it kept nagging on me, so much in such a standard fact, even though I see him now I can’t see his life, can’t remember or wait, and when I sleep at night he won’t be there anymore, I won’t still care, I won’t remember, when I was young I taught myself to care, because even though I’m always me and not anyone else it doesn’t mean they don’t exist, people are more than just shadows walking around, so I looked at the man, trying not to judge by his repulsive appearance, life have had its toll on him one time too many, I could see his lips moving as he talked to himself, a man who had lost his mind I realized, then it struck me, the words he said could never leave my mind, “I’m the king of all kings…” first thing I thought was to laugh, this man has obviously lost his mind to a point of no return, but the more I looked at him I could see he wasn’t even there, he wasn’t walking in the same street as I was, not even the same world, so distant, so true, reality is such a lie, we believe what we wish to believe and throw away the rest, this man is not the king of all kings I know, but in his own world he was a king, and what difference does that make now, each one of us is living in his own world, I’m not him and he is not me, and for a moment logic failed to apply, I was lost between reality and what it represents, and all I could think off, I just passed by a king in the street, a crazy man with no apparent life or purpose, but in some reality he was king, it’s more like a video game, for a couple of hours you play and become someone else, a prince, a thief, a hero, a serial killer or even a cook, wasn’t that reality, you can’t say it wasn’t, you just can’t say it was either, we only see what our eyes wants us to see, our minds comply and tells us it’s real as we follow in awe, oblivious to what is and what is not… too late now for us to see, cause there’s nothing to see, all went through my head within a moment and another, as the man passed me by, I kept going on carrying my dinner in a plastic bag smiling at myself thinking “Hell I don’t care about reality… I just hope this food remains real long enough for me eat it.” I looked right back at the man one last time, he never said it again but I could never forget it, his voice so loud, face so true, and hands waving… “I’m the king of all kings.”

LiFe

         My head is empty which is something I’m not quite used to, I mean there’s always something I’m thinking about, some quotes in my head, or lyrics making stories, now I’m feeling so weird like I’m being someone else whom I’m not used to, hell I really don’t even know why am I saying this, I might as well delete it all after finishing it and no one will get into this empty hole with me, yeah, that’s what it feels like, a hole, like I’m in there with myself, someone threw us deep into it waiting for us to get to know each other, as if that’s something that could ever happen, you know being me is like sitting at the back of a crowded bus, I’m there, with all the people, but it’s like people are talking to each other and fighting over so many things but I’m just over there at the back watching them, having no hand in the matter, shutting my mind from their troubles and looking out the window to the streets blurring right by me without a sense of any meaning, and this music playing in my head making it sound more and more like an old movie replaying itself onto a rusty screen, probably no one is even left here watching it by me, and I’m not even falling asleep, the harder I look at it, the more unrealistic it becomes. Have you ever had this feeling that life is just too realistic to be real, as if it’s just one big dream that soon you and I will be waking up from, released from the collars of this mirage, sometimes I wonder how is it that I’m only me, just me, nobody else, it’s not that I ever wanted to be someone else, but it’s like this; I go somewhere, I meet some people for the first time and at the end of the day I leave and never see them again, a year later I’m only wondering what could’ve ever happened to them, we no longer live in the same world anymore, it’s like… I don’t know… being caged inside my mind, shut of from others, what would it have been like being them not me, then I’ll only be wondering what it would be like to be me, the old me, there’s no way out of it, is there? the question that I can’t even find the right words to ask, all I know is that when I open up my eyes again, I’m still right there at the end of the bus waiting for my stop to come, wondering if I’ve missed it, but ironically the road is still too long, and I was the one thinking I would open my eyes to see the curtains falling to end this realistic dream, it’s like I’m trapped inside the world and the whole world is trapped inside my head, like a game of hide and seek, but after playing it for so long I don’t even know anymore who’s the catch and who’s the seeker, should I run and hide, or look for the answers beneath the stones of mystery, maybe I should just shut up and sit in silence and wait till the wheels of the bus stop for me to go, but where was I going anyway, I can’t remember, all I remember is that I miss those days when I used to take the bus early each morning to school, I miss standing up in lines every morning doing exercises, I miss lunch time and trips, I miss teacher fighting with me every single day asking me to wear some heavier cloths for the cold or at least roll down my sleeves, I miss every single fact of these old days, good ones and bad, I even miss our homework and heavy backpacks, and I miss her so much, more than anything else in this whole world, she’s the only thing in this world that I don’t wanna risk waking up from, but that’s exactly what she is for me; a dream, the most beautiful of all dreams, but the most unrealistic of all, I honestly don’t know where exactly did my words drift to her, it seems that every time I write something her life finds it’s way back into my words, I can’t promise myself anything, I can’t promise it’ll ever end, I don’t think I even want it to… just thinking about it makes me alive, makes me feel that inside this dream there’s a human heart beating.

You know… maybe I’m going to the beach, maybe this is where this bus is taking me, a quite empty beach right before sunset, maybe this good old driver knows exactly what I need, he’ll just drop me off at this beach where no one else goes, and I would sit over the sand watching the sun going down wondering where it went, laying on my back for hours watching closely as the pure sky gets filled with so many stars I can barely see anymore black in the night, it all reminds me when I was young I used to think that the night was a cover, shades spread over the face of the sun for us and her to sleep, I used to think that the stars were holes made by a pin in that cover to let us know; the sun is still there, and that tomorrow will come, the blindfold will be lifted from a sleepy head… A dream within a dream making me see we’re not going to the beach, the midnight sun is burning my arm keeping my head from tilting through the window, my thoughts are boiling inside my brain shifting my wishes further more and more from my true desires, I can see we’re going to no beach or tropic island, they’re not leaving me alone are they, if only I could remember where was I going in the first place, if only I could ask them where are they taking me, people leaving and others coming aboard yet it seems like the faces remain the same, and right before I fell into another memory a man calls onto me telling me I’ve nearly missed my stop, I hurry up out of my seat and move towards the door, and before I went down I remembered I forgot to pay the driver his fare, I reached my hand to give him his money, but instead of a ticket he gave me a key, and before I could ask the bus was gone, eaten by the crowd, so many people walking around and I don’t know where I should go, I thought I’d know it when I get to my stop, but I’ve never been here before, can I be lost inside my own dream, this is just too realistic to be fair, but there’s nothing I can do about it, I just keep walking and hope my footsteps could take me in the right direction of this wrong place, but the heat is filling my thoughts with too many doubts, maybe this isn’t my stop, maybe this isn’t even my dream, maybe this is the answer to my question; being someone else, wondering what it’s like to be me, be the one I missed so much, just then I saw something, a light shining towards my face making me blind for a moment, and as my eyes adjusted to it, I looked again and saw what it was, a mirror, a huge mirror in the middle of nowhere, this is my stop, this is who I was looking for all this time, I felt sorry it took me so long to find my own self, but I felt happy for not being alone anymore, and for some reason I couldn’t help but notice what looked like a door knob on the side of the mirror, without hesitation I put my hands in my pocket and took out my ticket, my key, unlocking a door into myself as I held my hands and opened the mirror, my reflection into it did the same thing for me.

Here I’m standing at the other side of myself, I smile at what I see in front of me, another bus waiting for me, but this time I’m not wondering where I’m going, I know where I’m going; “Nowhere”, it doesn’t matter where my stop is, what matters is those memories in between, I was too afraid to live my days at school or speak my heart, I waited too long to take my cloth off and jump into the water of that beautiful beach, but now… I’m off to a new trip, a different road, it doesn’t matter where it takes me, all that matters is the dream; a dream within a dream within a dream… “LiFE”

Love Story

            Love for a moment... As I looked out of the window of the four wheeled vehicle taking me home I couldn't help but wonder how many people fall under the line of my sight every single day on the same way, I never counted but there must be dozens of new faces every single day, it's a lose I never had a chance to know every one of them, but today something different happened, it wasn't a hot day but still I couldn't stand the sun shining violently at my eyes opened ajar at the road beside me, I had the earphones tugged into my ears with all manners of lyrics and music, life was floating the same way it always does, an hour wasted out of my day just so I could get back home, looking to the same sights as always, same flaws, same laws, but this time I saw a girl, a beautiful girl nearly the same age as mine, I looked at her and smiled lightly for no reason at all, I drifted my head with her as the sight changed and ate her away, only for a moment could I gaze at her, only for a moment did I smile, only for a moment was my love story with her, for the next minute I'll be back to my head listening to the songs and thinking about what to do to make the day pass quicker, I didn't look at her merely because of her beauty, it was the simple desire of a human binded in me, something out of my control, for a moment there I loved her, and for another I lived my life, you see, every love story ever lived by a human is nothing but a moment, though sometimes a moment could last longer than another, but the undeniable fact is; for every moment there is a graveyard, and those who know this fact, are those living love to it's true face, the most amazing sight of love, it's mortality, you just look at whom you love thinking you might never see that person again, that person that without whom you're life could no longer go on, it's true your life will end, but that life isn't yours it's that of the moment, once the moment has ended its life ends with it... so just go look at him, or look at her and know that this could be the last time. It'll make every second much more wonderful, much more worth it.

    Love is like fire, but it's not the fire itself, it's the oxygen that feeds it, and just before that amount of air ends the flames gets to its peak, it's only just a matter of another moment before the wind carries it all away. I've learned so long ago never to regret whatever is gone with the wind, the secret lies in the next morning, a dawn carried by another wind, I learned to give myself a chance to be sad over what I lost but not regret whatever I've done, cause only by feeling sad for what I've lost I'll be happy with whatever to come, I lived to my mode for a long time but fate stabbed me in the back when I realized I was living in Antarctica, I get to see the sunrise only once, and only one other sunset before I get back to the dimness of my nights, the nights I became so familiar with, sometimes you wait all your life for something that when it passes you by; you get so excited that you forget to look at, just look at it for one last time before it leaves you to waste.